Being a simple and unerringly accurate test by which Her Majesty's proud subjects, as well as citizens of vanquished and colonised nations the world over, may determine to which of the Empire's Finest they bear the most striking resemblance.

Tell me something about your history.
Ah, I really had some great adventures back in the good old days.
Ah, I really wrought some havoc back in the good old days.
And I could've gotten away with it, too...
I used to be shorter.
Er... I really don't think you'd want to know.
Quite frankly, it's none of your business.

So what are you good at?
Figuring out what needs to be done, and getting people to do it. If they listen.
Whatever's needed. And if it involves large guns, so much the better.
Supplying the hardware.
Being an asshole.
Rip... tear... kill...
I understand people pretty well. When they don't freak me out.

What are you wearing?
Nothing much...
Something rugged and practical, probably in earth tones.
Something distinctively me. My style has my name all over it (sometimes literally).
Whatever goes with my favorite accesory.

What do you think of women?
Aheheh. *smirk*
They're alright. Most of them, anyway.
They're a nuisance I'd really rather not put up with; but if I will if I have to.
The bitch was asking for it!
I am a woman, you idiot!

What do you think of people?
They're alright. Most of them, anyway.
They're alright. I've met worse.
They're alright. I'm the one with real problems.
Bah, I don't really like people. But I can put up with them if I have to.
Miserable little maggots. I could crush them all one by one. In fact, I think I'll go do just that!
They suck. Good thing I'm not one of them.

Your country needs you!
I'll do what I can.
But what can I do?
I don't have a country.
Well, if I have to...
What's in it for me, then?
Piss off!

Things are getting sticky! What do we do now?
Okay, here's the plan. We split into two teams -- Team A will sneak in by disguising themselves as prostitutes/chimneysweeps/freelance Italian chefs, while Team B...
I don't know, but I'm sure as hell bringing my gun.
Hang on. I think I have a device around here that we can use...
You figure it out. I'm going to hang around and watch you all make asses of yourselves.
Er... I'll just wait here, shall I? In case you need me later.
We charge in there, rip all their heads off, and pick their vertebrae out of our teeth. No? Well, I'm doing it anyway.

Look out for that fellow coming at you with a machete!
Oh God! Where's my gun?
I can handle it! I'm not stupid, you know!
Eat projectile, sucker.
Bring him on! I'll rip the bleeder in two.
I'm already sneaking up behind him to slit his throat.

Ooh, blood.
Uh oh.
No thank you.
Er, I don't feel so well...
Worthy causes often require bloodshed.

You messed up!
Look, a chap's entitled to a few mistakes!
Why didn't I realize it sooner?
Don't worry. This is all part of my master plan.
I'm sorry!
Well that's your problem, isn't it?
Piss off!

And so the day is saved! What do you want to do now?
Putter around with my devices and act mysterious.
Read. Catch up on current events.
Have some quiet time to brood in peace.
Relax, kick back, put my shoes up on people's furniture... maybe go carry out some senseless mayhem later on. It's all good.
Opium! Did I say opium? I meant laudanum. It's good for the eyesight and prevents kidney-stones, you know. Oh hell, quit bugging me. I'm going outside to have a smoke.
Bugger this. I'm going to sleep. You know where you can find me.

back to Britannia Waives The Rules